Living Mye Life

How do you battle emptiness? The sudden sadness that creeps within you and makes your heart flutter and renders you immobile.

I tried diverting my time in what we call decluttering our endless old clothes and unusable things but the moment you stops, then the feelings went back again. I can’t think even a happy thought right now. I’m so sad.

Was I thinking too much? Was I worried that a transfer of site from our current work may mean I need to resign?  Because it is way too far from our house, and I know I can’t handle the travel by commute. Was I affected of my colleague’s sickness? Was I badly needing a miracle to stop overthinking?

I keep on praying to God that in times like this, may He be my cane to remain standing amidst the storms that coming my way.

There will always be a silver lining

It’s 2023, new year. There are lot to be thankful for from year 2022 but there were lot of challenges and trials too.

I know for me that challenges and trials are like my twin sister.  It was always on my side.  But hey, I’m doing my best to defy the gravity. I look and think of all the happy days and moments in my life and convincing my own self that happiness is a choice.

As I am preparing our table in between the online NYE mass we are attending, a viber post in our group chat made me stop.  I thought it was a typical Happy New Year greeting, its almost 11pm last night. But she posted a hand with IV tubes in an obvious area,  a hospital.

My coworker had a rough month in the middle of the year last year.  But she overcome it, deep inside she’s really fighting for it, emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially.   And during after being renewed again and getting back on her feet, she drop the bomb, she said she had a mild stroke a day before the New Year’s Eve.  Seeing her hands with all the tubes of IV and some other medicines attached to her vein, I just felt weak and said no… this can’t be her. Not her my God ☹ but as she confirmed that she was confined in a hospital, my heart sank and I can’t help to think, God she’s so young to endure two major blows in her life and within 1 year.

I had a near death experience with covid virus last 2021 and till now the post covid aftershocks and symptoms I still experiencing is quite physically and emotionally draining till now.  But with her case, I just cried before and now still cry with her and whenever I think of her situation,  as I’m writing now, my heart is aching.

I want to help her emotionally knowing I must deal with my own emotion. But hers is different with what I am having right and it’s not comparable.  Financially, I think this one will really stress you out when you have medical issues. I am praying I can still help if I can. I just hope and pray that this too shall pass.

God help her. I’m praying for her healing; we need Your divine intervention to stop these dreadful diseases. With Your healing hands we pray. Amen.

9 days before we end up the 2^nd to the last month of the year.  We should feel great.  We overcome challenges we know some can’t even face. 

As December is nearing, the loneliness dwells in your heart.  You shouldn’t feel this way.  But sometimes when you are mentally exhausted, stress creeps in follows by some sort of depression.  You always think to be happy and contented, but when you are thinking of the world your children will experience long before you’re  gone, fear sets in.

You always pray to God that He help you guide your children as they grow old.  That they may experience hardship and pain, but they will always be tough and strong to overcome hurdles life may throw them. And as you wish for a better life for them, the realization that they must reach the end in a tight rope because the dreams will always be just a dream.  Somebody thinks you can live life one day at a time, no plans, no hesitations.

You are still praying that time will turn around and give you some glimpse of hope.  A thread that you may look upon wishing it will turn into a rope.  A rope that will help you pull up when you are too weak to fight the battles alone.

As Christmas is nearing, one song touches your heart. A silver lining to your sadness and the emptiness.

Steven Curtis Chapman’s Christmas Is all in the Heart is one of your favorite Christmas songs.  You memorize the lyrics by heart and remember the message it brings.

Here’s the lyrics that bring joy wherever you are, if you put Christmas in your heart.

In a one bedroom apartment

On the humble side of town

There stands a little Christmas tree

It looks a lot like Charlie Brown's

And underneath there's one little gift for him

And one little gift for her

After six months on the new job

They're still barely getting by

So in the way of decorations

There's nothing there to catch your eye

But both of them would be the first to say

We're together, we're gonna have the merriest Christmas anyway

'Cause Christmas is all in the heart

That's where the feeling starts

And like a fire inside, it touches every part

Christmas is all in the heart

And even if no white snow falls

Well, that's all right because

The joy can still be found, wherever you are

Christmas is all, all in the heart

Two little blond haired boys with big dreams

Tried to sleep but sleep wouldn't come

And we'd be tearing into presents

Long before the break of dawn

With mom and dad and cameras making sure

We'd never forget that day, no, no, no

Now I'm the one who's taking pictures

In the middle of the night

Of my own little dreamers

That just can't wait until daylight

And in my sleepy eyes the spark still glows

Well, I guess there's just some things a kid never outgrows

'Cause Christmas is all in the heart

That's where the feeling starts

And like a fire inside, it touches every part

Christmas is all in the heart

And even if no white snow falls

Well, that's all right because

The joy can still be found, wherever you are

Christmas is all, all in the heart

No, it's not in the snow that may or may not fall

And it's not in the gifts around the tree

It's in the love Heaven gave, that night our Savior came

And that same love can still be found wherever you are

'Cause Christmas is all in the heart

And the joy can still be found, wherever you are

'Cause Christmas is all, all in the heart

It's all in the heart

January 2022 is quite not a good start for me and everyone else.  While the world is waiting for the eminent arrival of Covid 19 Omicron virus, I am experiencing yet again another bout of flu like symptoms the night before our new year celebration.

December 31 feels like I’m getting sick.  I knew my body. I felt that extra ordinary cold within me and my muscles started to ache.  The weather is colder at this time of the month, so I guess I’m just feeling the weather.  I even buy some ingredients in the wet market with my husband and prepares and cooked the food as always.  I felt sleepy early night and I’m hoping sleeping might be the answer to my tired body.

January 1 is a different story; I am now having a mild sore throat and I have a slight fever of 37.3C in the afternoon and I immediately inform my husband that they need to transfer to the other room.  I can’t risk them getting sick. 

And so, the slight fever becomes a full-blown fever at 38.2C and I kept on checking my oximeter which is so far at above 95 in reading.  I have no cough and colds, but my sore throat is getting worst.  I can’t help but worry, but the rising number of people in our office getting sick and in home isolation makes me freak out.  I must inform my boss and our company nurse for recommendation.

Monday, January 3, though I have no fever but my sore throat still kicking I must go the nearest hospital for an RT PCR swab testing.  But after minutes of waiting, they informed me that I already used my health card limit for Covid when I was hospitalized last year so they declined my request.  But then my good company let me get the antigen test since I am already symptomatic subject for reimbursement, so I went back to the hospital and voila! The test came back NEGATIVE!

Our barangay health office contact tracer called me if I need to re-swab thru the RT PCR and I said yes because we all know that antigen swab is not that accurate.  They gather all my info and was informed that I need to go to our barangay for a free RT PCR testing on January 5.

It came back NEGATIVE after 2 days of waiting. I feel so relieved, my anti-bodies are indeed working. But my MIL (mother in-law) had a fever and cough and so I caught again the cough with colds, and I must endure it for the rest of the week.  I finally convinced I must take the Chinese herbal supplement, Lianhua capsules with some prescribed cough medicine from our doctor.   I’m feeling better right now. Still coughing phlegm but at least not that much.  I keep on praying to God that we can get over this, all that are sick right now. May God heal us all.

Keep safe everyone! The virus is still out there. God bless us all!

I’m beginning to dread if there comes the time that we will fully report to work and my 4 ride transfers and almost 2 hours of travel will take a toll on my fragile body.  I want to ask who will support my family if I quit and need to rest from working?  I hear a lot of grapevine talks in our group that we might transfer to farther location.  Will I able to cope up?  

I still got no answer.   It the same topic for so long now.  Do you take pity on me because all I hear is silence and I don’t know? Its so frustrating.  My tears welled up but then who will cry with me? I used to talk about my feelings with my eldest sister, she sympathizes but she can’t do anything about it.

God knows how I pray for my complete healing.  Sometimes, I cried inside and alone not because of pain, but because I want to live life like I was stronger before I got sick.   I still need to work, I need to get strong.   I got a lot of what ifs.  Sometimes I keep thinking if I insist on doing this, planning that, will it matter?

God knows I don’t what regrets.  I can’t help it.  I should have done something before we reach this stage, and we will not be able to bring back our younger age.  I should have known.  Because if I did, I might steer from different path.  I wish life has a rewind button.  Maybe then, I can decide much better.

"I must make the decision to move on, 

but that can't happen automatically."

After having contracted this severe Covid Pneumonia, I know my life will never be the same again.  Not that I choose to feel defeated, but sometimes that’s what you’re heading, and I don’t want to feel like that.  I choose to be strong, mainly because I  have plans on many wonderful things I can still do, for myself and most especially for my 2 children.  Amidst all these, I must rely on the FB group of long haulers so that you will know that someone out there knows and understand my situation or my pain or what I’m having right now because they too have been there or are also having it till now.   I always include these people in my prayers because we all deserve to heal, we all deserve to be backed the way we used to be. 

I want someone to talk how I feel, because no matter how strong you are, you will always feel the emptiness, like you are all alone on this battle.  My heart is silently crying for all the little pains I feel.  For all the words I want to scream, for the missed opportunity to bond with my family, for the pleading moments I wanted to run and live my life again.  For working alone and provide for my family.  I worry on my children’s future.  The future is uncertain and then this, having infected by Covid virus turns my life upside down.  As if it was never a turmoil before it began.

I always pray to God to heal my body and soul.  To all long haulers who are still recovering and having another bout of different symptoms much worst from being a Covid positive itself.  I know how you feel.  I always wish the standby oxygen tank, the oxygen nasal cannula I always carry in my laptop bag whenever I go to work will just a permanent fixture in our room and in my bag.  The endless vitamins, the mix and match of supplements will help me ease the pain.  God, my pain of being alone in this battle sometimes is getting me so confused and so sad.  But I know that in every situation, You were there to carry me, to enlighten and heal me.  Thank you, Lord.  I will always praise you no matter how hard my situation is. Praise be to God.