No Rewind

I’m beginning to dread if there comes the time that we will fully report to work and my 4 ride transfers and almost 2 hours of travel will take a toll on my fragile body.  I want to ask who will support my family if I quit and need to rest from working?  I hear a lot of grapevine talks in our group that we might transfer to farther location.  Will I able to cope up?  

I still got no answer.   It the same topic for so long now.  Do you take pity on me because all I hear is silence and I don’t know? Its so frustrating.  My tears welled up but then who will cry with me? I used to talk about my feelings with my eldest sister, she sympathizes but she can’t do anything about it.

God knows how I pray for my complete healing.  Sometimes, I cried inside and alone not because of pain, but because I want to live life like I was stronger before I got sick.   I still need to work, I need to get strong.   I got a lot of what ifs.  Sometimes I keep thinking if I insist on doing this, planning that, will it matter?

God knows I don’t what regrets.  I can’t help it.  I should have done something before we reach this stage, and we will not be able to bring back our younger age.  I should have known.  Because if I did, I might steer from different path.  I wish life has a rewind button.  Maybe then, I can decide much better.

"I must make the decision to move on, 

but that can't happen automatically."