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Letting Go


I have so many things to say on my blog but here I am, struggling for words.  

God knows what I am feeling right now and so this is my earnest prayer to our Almighty God.


Lord, strengthen me so I won’t decide hastily that I will regret later.

I know You know that this is about my work.  You know how I feel that day and till now, I am struggling to cope up with that.

Help me feel renewed again so I can forget and move on. 

Lord, hear our prayers, so that my loving better half will soon have a job that will help us secure the future of our two kids.

Lord, You know I am not asking for too much.  

With what is happening in this world and the pandemic we are facing right now.

You know the doubts we have in our heart.

But I know Lord that You are always and forever with us, O Lord.  

That You will never let us feel alone, sad and wondering if we can still make it another day.

Help me to think straight and cast the burdens upon You. 

I’m tired but I know You will carry my heavy loads.

Lead me Lord, for myself, for my family and for mankind.

That we will live according to Your greatest plan for us.              

To God be the glory!


You know, I always say my prayer silently.  It really feels good to read it like this.  During the hardest times of my life, trauma seeps in.  But I prayed to God to give me another chance. And He gave it to me.  So, whatever will happen next, I know that is part of God’s plan for me.  Thank you, Lord.  I will always be thankful to you no matter what. Amen.


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Two Kinds of Pains

" One day, I might not able to run anymore, but that day, is not today"


I cried because my emotions are overflowing I can’t even breath.  I’m overly sensitive these days. But when someone think you are not giving your best and the mistakes from the past was being rubbed to your wounded heart, I think crying is the best way to let it flow.


Who wants to feel that you don’t belong? I don’t want to hear someone says I am not doing my job.  It hurts the hell out of me.  I think not only that it was a slap to my bleeding heart, but it’s against what I believe in.   


But then again, I deserve it.  I have those moments before that I know will hunt me because I came from the other team.  And sometimes, commands responsibility sucks.  So, after I let it out, a colleague reminds me that maybe it happens because I need to step up, and I need to show what I am capable of.  I know I must think that it was just a challenge and forget the negative vibes.  And the moment that I seize it, I will show them I deserve to be on this team. 

So, cheer up, myself 😊 I already cry it out (well, silently) and then it’s time to let it go.

I’ve read someone that everyone must choose one of two pains: The Pain of Discipline and the Pain of Regret

What would you choose?


Anyways, my big birth day is tomorrow.  I deserve to be happy at least once a year 😊


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Too Long

I know I shouldn’t apologize on why it takes more than two years to finally post a story on my blog.  I’ve been busy, emotionally, physical, financially and emotionally.  God is my only way how to deal with life’s hardships, challenges, pressures and stress.  My kids are my inspirations to stand up and take the plunge.

 

Working in fast-moving operations is a no-easy task. It drains you out, it bleeds you, it will suffocate you. But you know me, I live for this.  You can put me in a forest pull of hyenas and within days I will either tame the hyenas or I am a hyena myself. 😊


 

I had a chance to change my course, to change my life for a better me. To correct the path I want to walk through. I just wish they will gave me the chance to show what I am capable off.  That they will trust me as I trust them with full honesty.  I never ask for recognition on anything good or even great job that I accomplished.  Knowing they liked me and they needed me, I am satisfied with that.


 


I might have more time to post.  This COVID 19 virus suddenly stops the world and freeze mankind and forced each and everyone of human and pets to stay at home.  Only God knows how it will end.  I’m giving it all to God.  But for now, stay at home please.  And for everyone to keep safe. Let’s  wash our hand. 😊

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Rainbow




It’s been a while. My sister got here from the US to get her son who will had his vacation before he starts being a senior high school (grade 11) this year.  And honestly, when you have your sisters near you, you will feel you have renewed strength.  Just being near with each other, it feels different. Strength coming from your family.  And when she left, (just stayed here for just one week) you can’t help but to feel empty.  That a part of you just left too and you don’t know how it will come back. Oh, gosh, I am not usually this way.  But I needed my sisters to talk to on this moment of my life.  And I will always wait for the time that our siblings will be completed again. Till next time. 




After 2 months of waiting, hoping and praying, I am so blessed I finally received great news! Thank you so much God for this, for the blessings, for continuing love, guidance, patience and being with me all the way.  I know I can’t do this without You, my Lord.  I give all the praise in You.


It’s just a matter of time. I just have to wait for the result.  And I know if its time, God will make it happen. And I need to claim this opportunity.  That God gave this to me.  And I know my life will start all over again as if I’m back from being a 26-year old woman who risked on something new and tried a different path.  I still hope that I have that strength till now. And praying that God will give me that strength so I can be back on my feet once more.  That the confidence I had before can be found again.  I miss the old me.  But in due time, with my family’s help, with God’s help, I can still be me.  I always think that it will not always rain, it's not always stormy, and when it’s over.... rainbow.





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Never Give Up


As days passed by, weeks, and moving up to two months now,  I’m already feeling the emptiness inside of me.  The bitterness of what caused this is suddenly and slowly creeping back that my heart feels heavy again.  I should have managed my time, I should have a plan, I should have chosen the job I wanted to be before leaving.  Is this the prize I have to pay for? By genuinely helping? By giving someone countless chance to change but instead get back to me just because the lies permanently reside in his heart and he wanted revenge? Is this the prize I have to painstakingly endure because I want to protect my family from someone who verbally abusing them?


I must move on.  And when I ever feel the pain again, I always pray to God to help me and help me to forgive so I can forget.  It’s not an easy task.  I will always remember what they did to me, but it’s the first step, to acknowledge the hurt.  To challenge yourself that no matter what you do, there will always someone who will hurt you, who will happily see you falling down.  But amidst all the struggles now, God will always give His hand to help me get up. 




All I have to do is to believe that this too shall pass.  That someone out there still believe and are willing to help me.  And I thank God for them.  I will always be grateful to God that He is giving me a glimpse of hope. That I have to learn to wait patiently and wait for my chance. God will never give up on me so I will bear in mind that giving up is not an option This is not how my story will end. 



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Who am I

I am a flower quickly fading

Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still you hear me when I'm calling
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling
And you've told me who I am
I am yours
Who am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again?
Who am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me?

Credits to Casting Crowns "Who am I" song



Just when I thought it will be over before the week end, we were treated with silence, no notifications, no text messages, no calls, no emails, nothing.  Just when we thought we will be finally moving on, we will still endure the shame and recalling the days it happened, just because on whatever their reasons to prolonged it.  Another worry, another heavy heart, another what if’s.


I’ve heard the Casting Crowns song titled Who am I, I can’t help the tears falling from my eyes. And as I read the lyrics, remembering it by heart, my life flashes back before the 23rd of January, how it all began. It always leave a bittersweet after taste in my heart.  But you know, God will never leave our side, He will hold our hands when we are about to fall. He will forgive us for what we’ve done.  For what we think wrong, and our Lord God will always be with us no matter what happen.


I just hope and pray that it will end well.  Dear God, let it end well so we can all finally move on.  Lay your hands upon those people, help them remember the word humanity.  That’s its never too late.


Thank you, Lord for giving me strength, for my family’s support, for my friends who never leave our side. For believing in us, for helping us stand up. For everything, Lord God. Thank you.

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GOD will make a way


I cried because I feel helpless that time.  All the things that I kept deep inside suddenly came up and I poured my heart out to someone that I know in the end will either seal the final nail or gave me something to hold on to.  But I know that it is “I’m just doing my job” thing will be the best answer.  There’s nowhere to turn but to fight. To accept that in order to make you whole again you have to fight for the right thing in the right manner and in the right place.


In their minds, we are wrong, we will always be wrong.  There are some people who takes one’s happiness so they will feel happy.  Like a Dementors in Harry Potter books. They live in other’s pain and misery.  They will never stop until you were drain of peace, hope and happiness and then it will glorify them.  I see those people, I even befriended some.  I even share foods and happy stories with them.  They are everywhere.


But you know, God will always be there for you, for us.  Even when you are in the darkest place and nowhere to go.  God will create light and make a way.  He will never leave us.  He will show us that after all the pain, happiness and joy will follow. 


I never expected to received such a great news.  I only prepared for the worst at the end of the week.  But now, I am looking forward for next week.  Because next week is my new hope, my new life, my moving on moment, my healing answer.  And I thank God for the people behind this.  I will be back standing tall again and I will celebrate with the people who I never expected will be on my side.  I will never ever forget them. Thank you, God, for my family, friends, and supporters that giving me encouragement and hope.


Thank you, God, for everything, for being forgiving, for the trust, for the never-ending love, and carrying me when sometimes it’s too heavy to continue.  I will not fill my heart with hatred because it will never help me heal.  And I wanted to heal.  God will help me heal and He will always guide my way. 

To God be the glory! 

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