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I wanted to go home with hubby and my in-laws after Papa’s burial ceremony but they told me I have to stay for another day for the Gulgul tradition.  And then it came to me that we have done it before when my grandmother died when we were just kids.  So I have to let Nathan go with hubby to Manila that night so I can work with all the things to do before going to the beach.  They usually did that in the river but since the river has dried up, the next choice is the beach.

So the tradition is like one will have to pour something on our head, a mixture of burned to ashes dried tree sap, blood of chicken and I don’t know the rest of the ingredients.  We were instructed to fall in line, from the eldest to the youngest and never to look back (because they said we will see Papa if we look back) and we shouldn’t enter to the place we exited after we dip ourselves to the salty water.  That means we have to go far away from the shore just to get back to our rented cottage but we follow the tradition and that was it. 

I’m kind of having a weird feeling that all were happy and were all there because of Papa.  I still have this moment when I looked around and he’s not with us anymore.  We brought the left over foods and fruits and we had some fun in the videoke with my cousins.  I tried to shake away the feeling of emptiness.  That’s why that night after we got home, I packed my bags and told my sisters that we should go home even though were so tired and I wanted to hit down the bed to rest.  I need to sort out my feelings first.  I’m missing my father so much I need to go away. 

They have plans to going back to the province at the 40th day of Papa’s death but I can’t go back there.  Not just yet.  My brother promised to go home from Qatar on Papa’s first year death anniversary next year.  Maybe then I can accept that he’s now gone.  

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