Living Mye Life

I’m beginning to dread if there comes the time that we will fully report to work and my 4 ride transfers and almost 2 hours of travel will take a toll on my fragile body.  I want to ask who will support my family if I quit and need to rest from working?  I hear a lot of grapevine talks in our group that we might transfer to farther location.  Will I able to cope up?  

I still got no answer.   It the same topic for so long now.  Do you take pity on me because all I hear is silence and I don’t know? Its so frustrating.  My tears welled up but then who will cry with me? I used to talk about my feelings with my eldest sister, she sympathizes but she can’t do anything about it.

God knows how I pray for my complete healing.  Sometimes, I cried inside and alone not because of pain, but because I want to live life like I was stronger before I got sick.   I still need to work, I need to get strong.   I got a lot of what ifs.  Sometimes I keep thinking if I insist on doing this, planning that, will it matter?

God knows I don’t what regrets.  I can’t help it.  I should have done something before we reach this stage, and we will not be able to bring back our younger age.  I should have known.  Because if I did, I might steer from different path.  I wish life has a rewind button.  Maybe then, I can decide much better.

"I must make the decision to move on, 

but that can't happen automatically."

After having contracted this severe Covid Pneumonia, I know my life will never be the same again.  Not that I choose to feel defeated, but sometimes that’s what you’re heading, and I don’t want to feel like that.  I choose to be strong, mainly because I  have plans on many wonderful things I can still do, for myself and most especially for my 2 children.  Amidst all these, I must rely on the FB group of long haulers so that you will know that someone out there knows and understand my situation or my pain or what I’m having right now because they too have been there or are also having it till now.   I always include these people in my prayers because we all deserve to heal, we all deserve to be backed the way we used to be. 

I want someone to talk how I feel, because no matter how strong you are, you will always feel the emptiness, like you are all alone on this battle.  My heart is silently crying for all the little pains I feel.  For all the words I want to scream, for the missed opportunity to bond with my family, for the pleading moments I wanted to run and live my life again.  For working alone and provide for my family.  I worry on my children’s future.  The future is uncertain and then this, having infected by Covid virus turns my life upside down.  As if it was never a turmoil before it began.

I always pray to God to heal my body and soul.  To all long haulers who are still recovering and having another bout of different symptoms much worst from being a Covid positive itself.  I know how you feel.  I always wish the standby oxygen tank, the oxygen nasal cannula I always carry in my laptop bag whenever I go to work will just a permanent fixture in our room and in my bag.  The endless vitamins, the mix and match of supplements will help me ease the pain.  God, my pain of being alone in this battle sometimes is getting me so confused and so sad.  But I know that in every situation, You were there to carry me, to enlighten and heal me.  Thank you, Lord.  I will always praise you no matter how hard my situation is. Praise be to God.

Today I called my high school best friend and ask her how she was.  I never had a chance to talk to her through phone except some greetings in FB when someone from our family had a birthday.  Our last meet up was pre-Covid time and it’s been almost 2 years. 

But she’s my best friend, no matter how many years that we haven’t communicate we know that we are true to our oath, BFF for life!  We still have our old phone numbers and even the landline home number though I know she is quite forgetful.  I must remind her that it was me except when I call her, and she knew it was my voice no matter how I change my tone.

I told her I had Covid, and she was quite shocked.  I told her some details, but I insist we must see each other to talk more about it since we are both fully vaccinated now.  We always just meet at SM Sucat and it was both near our area. 

It brings back to some memories we had in high school, college, when we are both working, when we get married, I was one of the godmothers of her first child, invite each other on some important occasions in our family.  We had our youngest daughter a month apart.  March 12 and April 21 of the same year.  We talked a lot, laugh a lot and share each other funny experiences.  I was the naughty one in high school and she is more on the timid side.  I remember when I’m making funny prank or jokes within our group (during our reunion) and I look in her eyes, she immediately told me silently, “no… not me, not me please” and I laughed so hard I got tears in my eyes. 

We are not getting younger anymore.  I look back at the times when we are full of adventures during our high school years and it become  one or twice a year meet up after we got ourselves busy in our married and daily life.  Our sadness, our frustration, our what if's. But the energy in our eyes, the reminiscing moments, the laughter, it’s still there.  We can only look back, but one thing is for sure, the bond is still there, stronger as ever. Just like before ….  when we were young.

So to my BFF, EST. This blog post is for you 💖💜

My body is acting up on me again.  I don’t know how this post Covid symptoms will last but I know I’m not the only one.  I joined a group in FB about long haulers and it’s quite different now.  The new joiners are more and more young in ages and it is quite bothersome.

I only read their post and various comments but I never post.  I still have no courage to tell them about it but one thing for sure, we are all experiencing the same symptoms again and again.  Headaches, stuffy nose, shortness of breath, muscle pains, stomach acids, sometimes I think my internal organs area are in pain (it was dreadful to think about it), my body is twice having the pain 2 to 1 weeks before my monthly menstrual period. 

You know, I can’t tackle up this being a long hauler to everyone unless they experience being infected with COVID themselves.  They will understand because 1 or 2 problems in their body will likely occurs even they are been sick with just a mild and moderate one.  if you’re in a situation where we have been, you will know how it feels.  But if not, you will probably ask, "Why? You had it months ago! You mean you feel sick like this till now?"  I had to explain the long Covid syndrome over again.  It’s kind of sad and exhausting.

I told here before that we are 6 in our office that has contracted the COVID virus.  When and how it happens, no one knows. And we can’t blame everyone or me blaming my colleague how she/he is only mild or moderate and me ended up in a hospital for 15 days battling the severe pneumonia.  No one wants this.  No one wants to turn their life upside down and change the course of your life especially your lifestyle.   When we are all recovered one by one (thank God!) and we get to know what happens to us, that’s the time we found out that we have some symptoms that I think the virus left in our bodies.  Shortness of breath, brain fog, cough, stuffy nose is the common one.

Anxiety is the worst post Covid symptoms.  I feel so sad for all of us in the FB page of long haulers that we must deal with this every day.  And I pray to God to help us heal and those needed to be heal, I will always be grateful to God for giving me a second life.  He knows my family needed me.  I owe it to Him.  Praise be to God.