Living Mye Life

I’m beginning to dread if there comes the time that we will fully report to work and my 4 ride transfers and almost 2 hours of travel will take a toll on my fragile body.  I want to ask who will support my family if I quit and need to rest from working?  I hear a lot of grapevine talks in our group that we might transfer to farther location.  Will I able to cope up?  

I still got no answer.   It the same topic for so long now.  Do you take pity on me because all I hear is silence and I don’t know? Its so frustrating.  My tears welled up but then who will cry with me? I used to talk about my feelings with my eldest sister, she sympathizes but she can’t do anything about it.

God knows how I pray for my complete healing.  Sometimes, I cried inside and alone not because of pain, but because I want to live life like I was stronger before I got sick.   I still need to work, I need to get strong.   I got a lot of what ifs.  Sometimes I keep thinking if I insist on doing this, planning that, will it matter?

God knows I don’t what regrets.  I can’t help it.  I should have done something before we reach this stage, and we will not be able to bring back our younger age.  I should have known.  Because if I did, I might steer from different path.  I wish life has a rewind button.  Maybe then, I can decide much better.

"I must make the decision to move on, 

but that can't happen automatically."

After having contracted this severe Covid Pneumonia, I know my life will never be the same again.  Not that I choose to feel defeated, but sometimes that’s what you’re heading, and I don’t want to feel like that.  I choose to be strong, mainly because I  have plans on many wonderful things I can still do, for myself and most especially for my 2 children.  Amidst all these, I must rely on the FB group of long haulers so that you will know that someone out there knows and understand my situation or my pain or what I’m having right now because they too have been there or are also having it till now.   I always include these people in my prayers because we all deserve to heal, we all deserve to be backed the way we used to be. 

I want someone to talk how I feel, because no matter how strong you are, you will always feel the emptiness, like you are all alone on this battle.  My heart is silently crying for all the little pains I feel.  For all the words I want to scream, for the missed opportunity to bond with my family, for the pleading moments I wanted to run and live my life again.  For working alone and provide for my family.  I worry on my children’s future.  The future is uncertain and then this, having infected by Covid virus turns my life upside down.  As if it was never a turmoil before it began.

I always pray to God to heal my body and soul.  To all long haulers who are still recovering and having another bout of different symptoms much worst from being a Covid positive itself.  I know how you feel.  I always wish the standby oxygen tank, the oxygen nasal cannula I always carry in my laptop bag whenever I go to work will just a permanent fixture in our room and in my bag.  The endless vitamins, the mix and match of supplements will help me ease the pain.  God, my pain of being alone in this battle sometimes is getting me so confused and so sad.  But I know that in every situation, You were there to carry me, to enlighten and heal me.  Thank you, Lord.  I will always praise you no matter how hard my situation is. Praise be to God.

Today I called my high school best friend and ask her how she was.  I never had a chance to talk to her through phone except some greetings in FB when someone from our family had a birthday.  Our last meet up was pre-Covid time and it’s been almost 2 years. 

But she’s my best friend, no matter how many years that we haven’t communicate we know that we are true to our oath, BFF for life!  We still have our old phone numbers and even the landline home number though I know she is quite forgetful.  I must remind her that it was me except when I call her, and she knew it was my voice no matter how I change my tone.

I told her I had Covid, and she was quite shocked.  I told her some details, but I insist we must see each other to talk more about it since we are both fully vaccinated now.  We always just meet at SM Sucat and it was both near our area. 

It brings back to some memories we had in high school, college, when we are both working, when we get married, I was one of the godmothers of her first child, invite each other on some important occasions in our family.  We had our youngest daughter a month apart.  March 12 and April 21 of the same year.  We talked a lot, laugh a lot and share each other funny experiences.  I was the naughty one in high school and she is more on the timid side.  I remember when I’m making funny prank or jokes within our group (during our reunion) and I look in her eyes, she immediately told me silently, “no… not me, not me please” and I laughed so hard I got tears in my eyes. 

We are not getting younger anymore.  I look back at the times when we are full of adventures during our high school years and it become  one or twice a year meet up after we got ourselves busy in our married and daily life.  Our sadness, our frustration, our what if's. But the energy in our eyes, the reminiscing moments, the laughter, it’s still there.  We can only look back, but one thing is for sure, the bond is still there, stronger as ever. Just like before ….  when we were young.

So to my BFF, EST. This blog post is for you 💖💜

My body is acting up on me again.  I don’t know how this post Covid symptoms will last but I know I’m not the only one.  I joined a group in FB about long haulers and it’s quite different now.  The new joiners are more and more young in ages and it is quite bothersome.

I only read their post and various comments but I never post.  I still have no courage to tell them about it but one thing for sure, we are all experiencing the same symptoms again and again.  Headaches, stuffy nose, shortness of breath, muscle pains, stomach acids, sometimes I think my internal organs area are in pain (it was dreadful to think about it), my body is twice having the pain 2 to 1 weeks before my monthly menstrual period. 

You know, I can’t tackle up this being a long hauler to everyone unless they experience being infected with COVID themselves.  They will understand because 1 or 2 problems in their body will likely occurs even they are been sick with just a mild and moderate one.  if you’re in a situation where we have been, you will know how it feels.  But if not, you will probably ask, "Why? You had it months ago! You mean you feel sick like this till now?"  I had to explain the long Covid syndrome over again.  It’s kind of sad and exhausting.

I told here before that we are 6 in our office that has contracted the COVID virus.  When and how it happens, no one knows. And we can’t blame everyone or me blaming my colleague how she/he is only mild or moderate and me ended up in a hospital for 15 days battling the severe pneumonia.  No one wants this.  No one wants to turn their life upside down and change the course of your life especially your lifestyle.   When we are all recovered one by one (thank God!) and we get to know what happens to us, that’s the time we found out that we have some symptoms that I think the virus left in our bodies.  Shortness of breath, brain fog, cough, stuffy nose is the common one.

Anxiety is the worst post Covid symptoms.  I feel so sad for all of us in the FB page of long haulers that we must deal with this every day.  And I pray to God to help us heal and those needed to be heal, I will always be grateful to God for giving me a second life.  He knows my family needed me.  I owe it to Him.  Praise be to God.

April 3-5, 2021

Going to the restroom is one of my main problem while being hospitalized due to Covid-19 virus.  I got diarrhea, which is one of my symptoms, and one, I need to go to the bathroom all by myself.  With that I must carry all my IV with me and the worst, I must take off my oxygen mask.  That means I must do all I need to do in the restroom, precisely and quickly.  Because after that, I need to use the wall to support me in going back to my bed and wear the oxygen mask again.  My body is a wrecking ball after that.  My oxygen saturation drops down 85 and I must calm myself and breathe again.  I can’t ask the nurses for some help; they were already overwhelmed with the come and go of Covid patients and I really understand their situation.  But then, I asked a friendly nurse to help shampoo my hair.  It’s becoming itchy and started to plaster on my scalp because of oiliness.  

I must ask them sometimes to help me come around in that room, but mostly I used to ask a friendly cleaner to fill in my water jug, wash my face towel, wash my glass, spoon and fork.  I am so grateful for their help. The one time I did some of that, I suffer the consequences of difficulty in breathing.  When at one time, I put down my feet to charge my cellphone, I end up having painful cramps I cried silently while massaging my feet.

I want to go home.  If only I can breathe on my own or I can have the unlimited supply of oxygen like what I have in that hospital, I would always like to stay in our room where I can see and hear my family even by afar.  But I know it’s impossible, I need to stay in there where I need to think of all the happy thoughts, so I won’t get depressed.  I prayed and prayed to God to give me that strength.  My hands started to ache on the constant blood works and poking of needles.  I still have some problem taking down my foods.  I wasted so much foods, but I have no appetite.  I’m having the anti-viral medicine buying it in cash (you want to know how much?) and I wonder, what if you have no money, will they still let you stay in the hospital?  Philhealth and my health card don’t cover the Remdesivir, and I’m in a private hospital. 

I can’t help but to feel sorry for those just like me who spent thousands of pesos just to breathe.  The oxygen is free from God but not the mechanical one.  I really want to go home that time.  It’s been 6 days.  

April 2, 2021

I started to feel anxious.  The nurses tried not to wake me up at 4:00am but I’m ultra sensitive to every movement happening in my hospital room.  The noise of the exhaust fan bothers me at first then I get to used it after a while.  I wake up at the sudden opening of the door.  Time for oximeter test, blood pressure and body temperature (that’s the routine all throughout) and some IV medicines.  The next set of nurses will come at my room at 6:00am for another medicine thru IV and some are taken orally.  Then some instructions on other medicines to take by the next hours.  They had to maximize using of their PPE.  I had to pay for it anyway.   They will charge it to my health card and my health card company has a maximum amount to be charged to them.

A little update to my colleagues whom I was so thankful for sharing their prayers. My husband informs me that they already reported to our homeowner’s association President regarding my confinement due to Covid infection.  We had to do the right way.  Then the President inform our BHERT (Barangay Health Emergency Response Team) to add to the statistics and schedule an immediate swabbing for my whole family.  But with the surge of Covid positive, my husband said it will take a while for them to be swab right away. Anyway, they were advised for a mandatory quarantine and they can’t leave the house anymore for 14 days.   

My husband expressed dismay that he can’t provide my other personal need, but I told him I have someone I can ask to do some errands.  And don’t overthink because I always think that God will never forsake me, I have that strong faith I can make it through.

My colleague and a friend answered my prayers, they voluntarily sent me some toiletries (sanitary pads, cottons, tissues, toothpaste, toothbrush, shampoo and conditioner) and foods! Though I feel sad that I have no appetite at all.  I can smell but suddenly the taste of it especially rice seems off and it really can’t pass through my mouth.  I have no choice to put the foods aside including the hospital food they provided.  The feeling is dreading. 

At night, male nurses came to my room to inform me that I need to have a CT scan. I’m feeling weak suddenly.  Being in high flow supplemental oxygen is no joke.  They hoisted me in a wheelchair with portable oxygen down to the first floor where the CT scan area is located.  They assist me in laying down to the machine bed and though I still have my oxygen mask and the whole process is quite quick but the feeling that something might not be right is what makes a person feel that anxiety and fear.

And as I lay down to sleep after they put another vial of Rendesivir on my IV and left my room and be alone for the whole night, I prayed to God that He alone can help me get through this.  I still want to be with my family, I still need to do a lot of things.  I need to be strong.