Living Mye Life

It’s been a while. My sister got here from the US to get her son who will had his vacation before he starts being a senior high school (grade 11) this year.  And honestly, when you have your sisters near you, you will feel you have renewed strength.  Just being near with each other, it feels different. Strength coming from your family.  And when she left, (just stayed here for just one week) you can’t help but to feel empty.  That a part of you just left too and you don’t know how it will come back. Oh, gosh, I am not usually this way.  But I needed my sisters to talk to on this moment of my life.  And I will always wait for the time that our siblings will be completed again. Till next time. 

After 2 months of waiting, hoping and praying, I am so blessed I finally received great news! Thank you so much God for this, for the blessings, for continuing love, guidance, patience and being with me all the way.  I know I can’t do this without You, my Lord.  I give all the praise in You.

It’s just a matter of time. I just have to wait for the result.  And I know if its time, God will make it happen. And I need to claim this opportunity.  That God gave this to me.  And I know my life will start all over again as if I’m back from being a 26-year old woman who risked on something new and tried a different path.  I still hope that I have that strength till now. And praying that God will give me that strength so I can be back on my feet once more.  That the confidence I had before can be found again.  I miss the old me.  But in due time, with my family’s help, with God’s help, I can still be me.  I always think that it will not always rain, it's not always stormy, and when it’s over.... rainbow.

As days passed by, weeks, and moving up to two months now,  I’m already feeling the emptiness inside of me.  The bitterness of what caused this is suddenly and slowly creeping back that my heart feels heavy again.  I should have managed my time, I should have a plan, I should have chosen the job I wanted to be before leaving.  Is this the prize I have to pay for? By genuinely helping? By giving someone countless chance to change but instead get back to me just because the lies permanently reside in his heart and he wanted revenge? Is this the prize I have to painstakingly endure because I want to protect my family from someone who verbally abusing them?

I must move on.  And when I ever feel the pain again, I always pray to God to help me and help me to forgive so I can forget.  It’s not an easy task.  I will always remember what they did to me, but it’s the first step, to acknowledge the hurt.  To challenge yourself that no matter what you do, there will always someone who will hurt you, who will happily see you falling down.  But amidst all the struggles now, God will always give His hand to help me get up. 

All I have to do is to believe that this too shall pass.  That someone out there still believe and are willing to help me.  And I thank God for them.  I will always be grateful to God that He is giving me a glimpse of hope. That I have to learn to wait patiently and wait for my chance. God will never give up on me so I will bear in mind that giving up is not an option This is not how my story will end. 

I cried because I feel helpless that time.  All the things that I kept deep inside suddenly came up and I poured my heart out to someone that I know in the end will either seal the final nail or gave me something to hold on to.  But I know that it is “I’m just doing my job” thing will be the best answer.  There’s nowhere to turn but to fight. To accept that in order to make you whole again you have to fight for the right thing in the right manner and in the right place.

In their minds, we are wrong, we will always be wrong.  There are some people who takes one’s happiness so they will feel happy.  Like a Dementors in Harry Potter books. They live in other’s pain and misery.  They will never stop until you were drain of peace, hope and happiness and then it will glorify them.  I see those people, I even befriended some.  I even share foods and happy stories with them.  They are everywhere.

But you know, God will always be there for you, for us.  Even when you are in the darkest place and nowhere to go.  God will create light and make a way.  He will never leave us.  He will show us that after all the pain, happiness and joy will follow. 

I never expected to received such a great news.  I only prepared for the worst at the end of the week.  But now, I am looking forward for next week.  Because next week is my new hope, my new life, my moving on moment, my healing answer.  And I thank God for the people behind this.  I will be back standing tall again and I will celebrate with the people who I never expected will be on my side.  I will never ever forget them. Thank you, God, for my family, friends, and supporters that giving me encouragement and hope.

Thank you, God, for everything, for being forgiving, for the trust, for the never-ending love, and carrying me when sometimes it’s too heavy to continue.  I will not fill my heart with hatred because it will never help me heal.  And I wanted to heal.  God will help me heal and He will always guide my way. 

To God be the glory! 

The pain of this ordeal is going on and on because they wanted to show everyone that they are right and we are wrong.  And we deserved this kind of treatment and punishment.  They never knew the feeling because they don't feel it. It is very disheartening and depressing.  They only focus on proving to you how you will fall down slowly and in shameful ways.  They don’t want to listen anymore because they totally believe that eventually, no matter what you do, even you prove that your innocent, you will never win because we are up here and you were down there. 

They don’t want to dig on the deeper aspect on how this has all began. Why? How did it happen? Is the person credible? What is this person’s intention? Revenge? Or being plain manipulative?

But I always pray to God to end this story. I'm really begging Him to help me heal.  That this chapter of my life is so painful that I’m asking our dear Lord to help me turn the pages. To begin with a new story, story of moving on and forgetting that this ever happened.  

Thank you, Lord! I still believe in miracles, and my miracles comes with You. I’m so thankful for the surprising good news.  May you bless every person who really knows and who still believes in us.  Thank you for being the instrument for someone who open their windows to let us in because they knew that one closes their door.  Thank you, Lord for them.  May you bless them for being our additional pillars of strength.  Lord, You never fail to show us that silver linings.  You always there when I needed You the most.  You answered our prayers during the crucial times of our lives.  When we are losing the will to carry on, You always give the sign that we are with You.  That you understand, Lord. That you are forgiving. 

It’s Valentines day, and instead of the usual celebration with my family, complete with the roses and chocolates or a fine dining,  I choose to stay at home.  My son brought the candy rose at school so he can give it to his crush (he’s just 7!) in the 2^nd grade.  I usually baked some goodies so he can give it to his teachers and friends but pity me, I don’t really feel like doing it, not now, not today.  And after I sent him to school, I go back to sleep beside his sister and had a nightmare in the morning! I know it's because I started to think again the whole situation again. This should be over by today. But its not, they have to prolonged the inevitable.  It brings back so many things and I can’t help it, my heart feels so heavy. And then I started to pray.  I pray for God’s strength and guidance.  That He will help us lift our broken spirit.  I pray that this too shall pass.  That we can start to get back to our feet again.  That whenever we feel down, I know He will always there to carry us. 

To keep off my mind on the sad truth, I started digging my baking cabinet for something to do.  I notice I have the complete ingredients for the chewy chocolate chips cookies I wanted to bake and while my little assistant keeps on stirring her little spoon on my cookie dough, I still manage to bake 50 pcs of it.  I was rewarded by the oh’s and ah's of my family because the delicious smell of the freshly baked cookies is all over the house. I am so grateful for the love of the family. 

I cannot bring back what has happened. I just wish and pray that this will be over soon.  And when this is over, and because after the rain, the storm, the pain, there is always a rainbow.  God is with us through this journey.

A niece of mine called me early morning about one Facebook post of someone whom she knows that was all about me.  After all, that same person who posted that “meaningful” posts has made some remarkable lessons we truly learned in our life, particularly on me.

To begin with, I love to help. It may be a wounded animal or a helpless stray kitten or dogs or reptiles that I can help just to give them a chance to live, I’m doing it.  My hubby said I can be a veterinarian.  So, when this particular person asked me to help so they can live a better life (according to this person), I didn’t hesitate.  After all, I’ve known their family for so long and the tears in this person eyes can melt even the hardest heart.  And my family, my whole family extend their arms open wide to help them.  We did our best, we help this person with all our heart. But that’s one story of our life. How could we ever know this person’s real intention? Or the life behind the smile? The façade that was carefully planned? Or the deceitful looks?

My family was left astounded by the fact that this person rained chaos on us but still maintain the innocence that others deemed believable.  So, this news about this person’s post drama is a no brainer for us.  My sisters and I decided to cut the ties from all of them.  We will never entertain any negative thoughts that might stressed us out or might trigger us to say something.  We will block all of them who will try to ruin the tight and happy family we have now.  We will not succumb to the helpless pleas they knew would melt our heart, just like they always did before. We will not break because they did something that would make them feel victorious.

And we’ve done our part.  God knows that we’ve done our part. Forgiveness will be the next, then let go and turn it over to God. It’s time to heal.

With God for Us, All Is Well.

I fear that a month long of being at home will make me realize that I don’t want to go back to work anymore.  My creative mind has this inner urge deep inside of me that maybe it’s about time to continue the food business I really wanted to start with years ago.

I begin on the pre-order of the delicious longganisa (it’s a native sausage made from the Philippines) with the variety of spices enough to make it as one of the favorite food on the table especially during breakfast.

But for us, we can eat it any time of the day.  With fried eggs and fried rice and fresh red tomatoes, your life is in heaven! 😊

I hope I can be able to make a pre-ordered cooked viand with the help of my colleague who leave near our place in time for lunch.  Or a baked goodies in time for Valentines day. 

I just need to bring my mind back to its shape and in God’s will, this is the right moment to move on.

“When you rise in life, your friends know who you are.

When you fall down, you know who are your friends”

True friends show their love in troubles, not only in happiness.  And the friends I’d been with through the years are now staying silent through out the ordeal.  Not even Hi or Hello, even they can see you often active in your messenger and they know your mobile number. 

I won’t complain. I don’t even want to feel upset about it. That’s how is it.  I come to realize that those people you are not expecting to be by your side are the one’s rallying to help you cope.  Giving you prayers, wishing you well and helping you move on.

Friends that they don’t even care if it’s late at night as long as you still want to talk. Friends that will ask you how you feel, or they include you in their prayers.

I am not demanding the others to do the same.  It just thought that they have their own personal reasons not to support me, or maybe feel they just don't really care. But when they start believing on the hearsay and believing the lies they are hearing that spread around is a different story.  They might think it’s true even without confirming it to me.  To be honest, it hurts me the most.  But I guess with all the versions of the story, I can’t blame them.  Sometimes it’s too believable and they might think it’s possible.  That’s the kind of friends you would want to forget as you move on.  But I will always be thankful for all the moments of happiness with them. 

Even in the midst of the pain, life is worth living.

God is good all the time. 

When you go to a depression mode, you will always think the unthinkable.  Your heart will palpitate for no apparent reasons, you will feel down at no cause, you think someone or somebody is talking behind your back, you will think the world is against you, that nobody believes and nobody cares for you anymore.  I know there’s so much more than that and I can't mention it all.  But believe me, you wouldn’t want to be there.  You wouldn’t want to be on their shoes, you wouldn’t want to feel like what we feel, what they feel.

But amidst all of these storms in your life, you have to give yourself and your mind and your heart to the Lord above.  He will help you realize that eventually this will all end, made you stronger and He will always protect you and help you ease the burden.

I come to realize upon talking to a friend last night that I am not made of stone as I projected myself to them.  I carry a brave voice and a straight mind but deep inside I am crushing and my heart always feel the heavy load. And then I pray.  I asked our Dear God to help ease the pain.  That above all these, life will move on and so am I.   

I just need to rely to God that whenever I feel down and weak, He will there to always carry me.

Thank you, Lord for giving me another day.  That I wake up every day seeing my family giving me encouraging words, believing in me, helping me cope.  And my kids saying I love you, giving me their tightest hug as wide as their small arms can offer and that their smile and happy heart makes me find the courage that I will make it through above all the chaos.  

As the day passes by, I’m starting to realize that you and your family and with your true and closest friends will be the only one left on this battle.

I’m learning to accept the fact that we will never be going back to where we are before.  A happy strong and happy team. And that I can never work with the people whom you think will depend you through the worst but the first one to run when the toughs get going.  I can never bear to see their faces and pretend that they are just doing their job. 

But I am so grateful that this very moment proves that no matter how hard it is and how you keep tumbling down the hill, they will fight and stay on your side and they will support you all the way - my family.

My family never leaves me, never judge me, never criticize me and never leave my side.  Instead they help me step by step so I can accept and move on.  They help me fight the right thing, to be strong and to regain and bring back my confidence. 

I have a few real friends and gained another one.  When these things happened, they show me and supported me and help me to realize that there is life after all the hurt.

I know the real concern from the one who are just getting new updates or just asking me how do I feel. I found out that there are people who will just stand and look at you to fight your own battle.  They will never say anything, just looking at you with the eyes you will never forget and the words you hope they never said.

I will be forever thankful for the love of my family, for the love of God, for the real concerns of my friends, for giving me an extended hand when I needed it most. And for those who believes in me, I will never forget you and you know who you are.

We will never stop believing and we will fight till the end. God is good all the time. 

God bless you all!

We sometimes experience what we can consider as the darkest moment of our lives. It may be because of the heart break, loss of  someone’s lives and sometimes, false accusations.

Just when you think that everything is going smoothly in your life, with just one snap of a finger, you will experience a nightmare while you're awake.  It’s how what I am feeling right now.  I’m in a deepest shallow right now that I don’t know if when or how will I ever get out.  My life is grievously

affected, I can’t eat properly, my heart is always heavy, I can’t sleep and I can’t even take care of my family

What will happen? I don’t know and God only knows.

I pray to God to help ease the burden. That with all these, He will give us strength to withstand these trials.  That He will grant us peace of mind and resolution.

In Jesus name. Amen. 

When you feel like crying out loud but you just ended up feeling numb? I feel that. I always feel that. Sometimes I really wanted to shout out my frustration, but ended up feeling numb again. I don’t want to stress out, it will show, my children would know and my children are relying to me. I’m not depressed, I’m disappointed that it we come a long way, all those years and here we are, back to square one.

Can I replay one moment in my life where I should laid first the plans? That we should settle first the dos and don’ts? That we amicably agreed on how we should carry out our lives?

 I can’t overturn the stones anymore.  It’s my life that I have to move on.

I’m praying to God to guide the way. To help straighten my faith. And to touch the one who seems to forget that all of this must be handle the right way.