Living Mye Life

How do you battle emptiness? The sudden sadness that creeps within you and makes your heart flutter and renders you immobile.

I tried diverting my time in what we call decluttering our endless old clothes and unusable things but the moment you stops, then the feelings went back again. I can’t think even a happy thought right now. I’m so sad.

Was I thinking too much? Was I worried that a transfer of site from our current work may mean I need to resign?  Because it is way too far from our house, and I know I can’t handle the travel by commute. Was I affected of my colleague’s sickness? Was I badly needing a miracle to stop overthinking?

I keep on praying to God that in times like this, may He be my cane to remain standing amidst the storms that coming my way.

There will always be a silver lining

It’s 2023, new year. There are lot to be thankful for from year 2022 but there were lot of challenges and trials too.

I know for me that challenges and trials are like my twin sister.  It was always on my side.  But hey, I’m doing my best to defy the gravity. I look and think of all the happy days and moments in my life and convincing my own self that happiness is a choice.

As I am preparing our table in between the online NYE mass we are attending, a viber post in our group chat made me stop.  I thought it was a typical Happy New Year greeting, its almost 11pm last night. But she posted a hand with IV tubes in an obvious area,  a hospital.

My coworker had a rough month in the middle of the year last year.  But she overcome it, deep inside she’s really fighting for it, emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially.   And during after being renewed again and getting back on her feet, she drop the bomb, she said she had a mild stroke a day before the New Year’s Eve.  Seeing her hands with all the tubes of IV and some other medicines attached to her vein, I just felt weak and said no… this can’t be her. Not her my God ☹ but as she confirmed that she was confined in a hospital, my heart sank and I can’t help to think, God she’s so young to endure two major blows in her life and within 1 year.

I had a near death experience with covid virus last 2021 and till now the post covid aftershocks and symptoms I still experiencing is quite physically and emotionally draining till now.  But with her case, I just cried before and now still cry with her and whenever I think of her situation,  as I’m writing now, my heart is aching.

I want to help her emotionally knowing I must deal with my own emotion. But hers is different with what I am having right and it’s not comparable.  Financially, I think this one will really stress you out when you have medical issues. I am praying I can still help if I can. I just hope and pray that this too shall pass.

God help her. I’m praying for her healing; we need Your divine intervention to stop these dreadful diseases. With Your healing hands we pray. Amen.

9 days before we end up the 2^nd to the last month of the year.  We should feel great.  We overcome challenges we know some can’t even face. 

As December is nearing, the loneliness dwells in your heart.  You shouldn’t feel this way.  But sometimes when you are mentally exhausted, stress creeps in follows by some sort of depression.  You always think to be happy and contented, but when you are thinking of the world your children will experience long before you’re  gone, fear sets in.

You always pray to God that He help you guide your children as they grow old.  That they may experience hardship and pain, but they will always be tough and strong to overcome hurdles life may throw them. And as you wish for a better life for them, the realization that they must reach the end in a tight rope because the dreams will always be just a dream.  Somebody thinks you can live life one day at a time, no plans, no hesitations.

You are still praying that time will turn around and give you some glimpse of hope.  A thread that you may look upon wishing it will turn into a rope.  A rope that will help you pull up when you are too weak to fight the battles alone.

As Christmas is nearing, one song touches your heart. A silver lining to your sadness and the emptiness.

Steven Curtis Chapman’s Christmas Is all in the Heart is one of your favorite Christmas songs.  You memorize the lyrics by heart and remember the message it brings.

Here’s the lyrics that bring joy wherever you are, if you put Christmas in your heart.

In a one bedroom apartment

On the humble side of town

There stands a little Christmas tree

It looks a lot like Charlie Brown's

And underneath there's one little gift for him

And one little gift for her

After six months on the new job

They're still barely getting by

So in the way of decorations

There's nothing there to catch your eye

But both of them would be the first to say

We're together, we're gonna have the merriest Christmas anyway

'Cause Christmas is all in the heart

That's where the feeling starts

And like a fire inside, it touches every part

Christmas is all in the heart

And even if no white snow falls

Well, that's all right because

The joy can still be found, wherever you are

Christmas is all, all in the heart

Two little blond haired boys with big dreams

Tried to sleep but sleep wouldn't come

And we'd be tearing into presents

Long before the break of dawn

With mom and dad and cameras making sure

We'd never forget that day, no, no, no

Now I'm the one who's taking pictures

In the middle of the night

Of my own little dreamers

That just can't wait until daylight

And in my sleepy eyes the spark still glows

Well, I guess there's just some things a kid never outgrows

'Cause Christmas is all in the heart

That's where the feeling starts

And like a fire inside, it touches every part

Christmas is all in the heart

And even if no white snow falls

Well, that's all right because

The joy can still be found, wherever you are

Christmas is all, all in the heart

No, it's not in the snow that may or may not fall

And it's not in the gifts around the tree

It's in the love Heaven gave, that night our Savior came

And that same love can still be found wherever you are

'Cause Christmas is all in the heart

And the joy can still be found, wherever you are

'Cause Christmas is all, all in the heart

It's all in the heart

January 2022 is quite not a good start for me and everyone else.  While the world is waiting for the eminent arrival of Covid 19 Omicron virus, I am experiencing yet again another bout of flu like symptoms the night before our new year celebration.

December 31 feels like I’m getting sick.  I knew my body. I felt that extra ordinary cold within me and my muscles started to ache.  The weather is colder at this time of the month, so I guess I’m just feeling the weather.  I even buy some ingredients in the wet market with my husband and prepares and cooked the food as always.  I felt sleepy early night and I’m hoping sleeping might be the answer to my tired body.

January 1 is a different story; I am now having a mild sore throat and I have a slight fever of 37.3C in the afternoon and I immediately inform my husband that they need to transfer to the other room.  I can’t risk them getting sick. 

And so, the slight fever becomes a full-blown fever at 38.2C and I kept on checking my oximeter which is so far at above 95 in reading.  I have no cough and colds, but my sore throat is getting worst.  I can’t help but worry, but the rising number of people in our office getting sick and in home isolation makes me freak out.  I must inform my boss and our company nurse for recommendation.

Monday, January 3, though I have no fever but my sore throat still kicking I must go the nearest hospital for an RT PCR swab testing.  But after minutes of waiting, they informed me that I already used my health card limit for Covid when I was hospitalized last year so they declined my request.  But then my good company let me get the antigen test since I am already symptomatic subject for reimbursement, so I went back to the hospital and voila! The test came back NEGATIVE!

Our barangay health office contact tracer called me if I need to re-swab thru the RT PCR and I said yes because we all know that antigen swab is not that accurate.  They gather all my info and was informed that I need to go to our barangay for a free RT PCR testing on January 5.

It came back NEGATIVE after 2 days of waiting. I feel so relieved, my anti-bodies are indeed working. But my MIL (mother in-law) had a fever and cough and so I caught again the cough with colds, and I must endure it for the rest of the week.  I finally convinced I must take the Chinese herbal supplement, Lianhua capsules with some prescribed cough medicine from our doctor.   I’m feeling better right now. Still coughing phlegm but at least not that much.  I keep on praying to God that we can get over this, all that are sick right now. May God heal us all.

Keep safe everyone! The virus is still out there. God bless us all!

I’m beginning to dread if there comes the time that we will fully report to work and my 4 ride transfers and almost 2 hours of travel will take a toll on my fragile body.  I want to ask who will support my family if I quit and need to rest from working?  I hear a lot of grapevine talks in our group that we might transfer to farther location.  Will I able to cope up?  

I still got no answer.   It the same topic for so long now.  Do you take pity on me because all I hear is silence and I don’t know? Its so frustrating.  My tears welled up but then who will cry with me? I used to talk about my feelings with my eldest sister, she sympathizes but she can’t do anything about it.

God knows how I pray for my complete healing.  Sometimes, I cried inside and alone not because of pain, but because I want to live life like I was stronger before I got sick.   I still need to work, I need to get strong.   I got a lot of what ifs.  Sometimes I keep thinking if I insist on doing this, planning that, will it matter?

God knows I don’t what regrets.  I can’t help it.  I should have done something before we reach this stage, and we will not be able to bring back our younger age.  I should have known.  Because if I did, I might steer from different path.  I wish life has a rewind button.  Maybe then, I can decide much better.

"I must make the decision to move on, 

but that can't happen automatically."

After having contracted this severe Covid Pneumonia, I know my life will never be the same again.  Not that I choose to feel defeated, but sometimes that’s what you’re heading, and I don’t want to feel like that.  I choose to be strong, mainly because I  have plans on many wonderful things I can still do, for myself and most especially for my 2 children.  Amidst all these, I must rely on the FB group of long haulers so that you will know that someone out there knows and understand my situation or my pain or what I’m having right now because they too have been there or are also having it till now.   I always include these people in my prayers because we all deserve to heal, we all deserve to be backed the way we used to be. 

I want someone to talk how I feel, because no matter how strong you are, you will always feel the emptiness, like you are all alone on this battle.  My heart is silently crying for all the little pains I feel.  For all the words I want to scream, for the missed opportunity to bond with my family, for the pleading moments I wanted to run and live my life again.  For working alone and provide for my family.  I worry on my children’s future.  The future is uncertain and then this, having infected by Covid virus turns my life upside down.  As if it was never a turmoil before it began.

I always pray to God to heal my body and soul.  To all long haulers who are still recovering and having another bout of different symptoms much worst from being a Covid positive itself.  I know how you feel.  I always wish the standby oxygen tank, the oxygen nasal cannula I always carry in my laptop bag whenever I go to work will just a permanent fixture in our room and in my bag.  The endless vitamins, the mix and match of supplements will help me ease the pain.  God, my pain of being alone in this battle sometimes is getting me so confused and so sad.  But I know that in every situation, You were there to carry me, to enlighten and heal me.  Thank you, Lord.  I will always praise you no matter how hard my situation is. Praise be to God.

Today I called my high school best friend and ask her how she was.  I never had a chance to talk to her through phone except some greetings in FB when someone from our family had a birthday.  Our last meet up was pre-Covid time and it’s been almost 2 years. 

But she’s my best friend, no matter how many years that we haven’t communicate we know that we are true to our oath, BFF for life!  We still have our old phone numbers and even the landline home number though I know she is quite forgetful.  I must remind her that it was me except when I call her, and she knew it was my voice no matter how I change my tone.

I told her I had Covid, and she was quite shocked.  I told her some details, but I insist we must see each other to talk more about it since we are both fully vaccinated now.  We always just meet at SM Sucat and it was both near our area. 

It brings back to some memories we had in high school, college, when we are both working, when we get married, I was one of the godmothers of her first child, invite each other on some important occasions in our family.  We had our youngest daughter a month apart.  March 12 and April 21 of the same year.  We talked a lot, laugh a lot and share each other funny experiences.  I was the naughty one in high school and she is more on the timid side.  I remember when I’m making funny prank or jokes within our group (during our reunion) and I look in her eyes, she immediately told me silently, “no… not me, not me please” and I laughed so hard I got tears in my eyes. 

We are not getting younger anymore.  I look back at the times when we are full of adventures during our high school years and it become  one or twice a year meet up after we got ourselves busy in our married and daily life.  Our sadness, our frustration, our what if's. But the energy in our eyes, the reminiscing moments, the laughter, it’s still there.  We can only look back, but one thing is for sure, the bond is still there, stronger as ever. Just like before ….  when we were young.

So to my BFF, EST. This blog post is for you 💖💜

My body is acting up on me again.  I don’t know how this post Covid symptoms will last but I know I’m not the only one.  I joined a group in FB about long haulers and it’s quite different now.  The new joiners are more and more young in ages and it is quite bothersome.

I only read their post and various comments but I never post.  I still have no courage to tell them about it but one thing for sure, we are all experiencing the same symptoms again and again.  Headaches, stuffy nose, shortness of breath, muscle pains, stomach acids, sometimes I think my internal organs area are in pain (it was dreadful to think about it), my body is twice having the pain 2 to 1 weeks before my monthly menstrual period. 

You know, I can’t tackle up this being a long hauler to everyone unless they experience being infected with COVID themselves.  They will understand because 1 or 2 problems in their body will likely occurs even they are been sick with just a mild and moderate one.  if you’re in a situation where we have been, you will know how it feels.  But if not, you will probably ask, "Why? You had it months ago! You mean you feel sick like this till now?"  I had to explain the long Covid syndrome over again.  It’s kind of sad and exhausting.

I told here before that we are 6 in our office that has contracted the COVID virus.  When and how it happens, no one knows. And we can’t blame everyone or me blaming my colleague how she/he is only mild or moderate and me ended up in a hospital for 15 days battling the severe pneumonia.  No one wants this.  No one wants to turn their life upside down and change the course of your life especially your lifestyle.   When we are all recovered one by one (thank God!) and we get to know what happens to us, that’s the time we found out that we have some symptoms that I think the virus left in our bodies.  Shortness of breath, brain fog, cough, stuffy nose is the common one.

Anxiety is the worst post Covid symptoms.  I feel so sad for all of us in the FB page of long haulers that we must deal with this every day.  And I pray to God to help us heal and those needed to be heal, I will always be grateful to God for giving me a second life.  He knows my family needed me.  I owe it to Him.  Praise be to God.

April 3-5, 2021

Going to the restroom is one of my main problem while being hospitalized due to Covid-19 virus.  I got diarrhea, which is one of my symptoms, and one, I need to go to the bathroom all by myself.  With that I must carry all my IV with me and the worst, I must take off my oxygen mask.  That means I must do all I need to do in the restroom, precisely and quickly.  Because after that, I need to use the wall to support me in going back to my bed and wear the oxygen mask again.  My body is a wrecking ball after that.  My oxygen saturation drops down 85 and I must calm myself and breathe again.  I can’t ask the nurses for some help; they were already overwhelmed with the come and go of Covid patients and I really understand their situation.  But then, I asked a friendly nurse to help shampoo my hair.  It’s becoming itchy and started to plaster on my scalp because of oiliness.  

I must ask them sometimes to help me come around in that room, but mostly I used to ask a friendly cleaner to fill in my water jug, wash my face towel, wash my glass, spoon and fork.  I am so grateful for their help. The one time I did some of that, I suffer the consequences of difficulty in breathing.  When at one time, I put down my feet to charge my cellphone, I end up having painful cramps I cried silently while massaging my feet.

I want to go home.  If only I can breathe on my own or I can have the unlimited supply of oxygen like what I have in that hospital, I would always like to stay in our room where I can see and hear my family even by afar.  But I know it’s impossible, I need to stay in there where I need to think of all the happy thoughts, so I won’t get depressed.  I prayed and prayed to God to give me that strength.  My hands started to ache on the constant blood works and poking of needles.  I still have some problem taking down my foods.  I wasted so much foods, but I have no appetite.  I’m having the anti-viral medicine buying it in cash (you want to know how much?) and I wonder, what if you have no money, will they still let you stay in the hospital?  Philhealth and my health card don’t cover the Remdesivir, and I’m in a private hospital. 

I can’t help but to feel sorry for those just like me who spent thousands of pesos just to breathe.  The oxygen is free from God but not the mechanical one.  I really want to go home that time.  It’s been 6 days.  

April 2, 2021

I started to feel anxious.  The nurses tried not to wake me up at 4:00am but I’m ultra sensitive to every movement happening in my hospital room.  The noise of the exhaust fan bothers me at first then I get to used it after a while.  I wake up at the sudden opening of the door.  Time for oximeter test, blood pressure and body temperature (that’s the routine all throughout) and some IV medicines.  The next set of nurses will come at my room at 6:00am for another medicine thru IV and some are taken orally.  Then some instructions on other medicines to take by the next hours.  They had to maximize using of their PPE.  I had to pay for it anyway.   They will charge it to my health card and my health card company has a maximum amount to be charged to them.

A little update to my colleagues whom I was so thankful for sharing their prayers. My husband informs me that they already reported to our homeowner’s association President regarding my confinement due to Covid infection.  We had to do the right way.  Then the President inform our BHERT (Barangay Health Emergency Response Team) to add to the statistics and schedule an immediate swabbing for my whole family.  But with the surge of Covid positive, my husband said it will take a while for them to be swab right away. Anyway, they were advised for a mandatory quarantine and they can’t leave the house anymore for 14 days.   

My husband expressed dismay that he can’t provide my other personal need, but I told him I have someone I can ask to do some errands.  And don’t overthink because I always think that God will never forsake me, I have that strong faith I can make it through.

My colleague and a friend answered my prayers, they voluntarily sent me some toiletries (sanitary pads, cottons, tissues, toothpaste, toothbrush, shampoo and conditioner) and foods! Though I feel sad that I have no appetite at all.  I can smell but suddenly the taste of it especially rice seems off and it really can’t pass through my mouth.  I have no choice to put the foods aside including the hospital food they provided.  The feeling is dreading. 

At night, male nurses came to my room to inform me that I need to have a CT scan. I’m feeling weak suddenly.  Being in high flow supplemental oxygen is no joke.  They hoisted me in a wheelchair with portable oxygen down to the first floor where the CT scan area is located.  They assist me in laying down to the machine bed and though I still have my oxygen mask and the whole process is quite quick but the feeling that something might not be right is what makes a person feel that anxiety and fear.

And as I lay down to sleep after they put another vial of Rendesivir on my IV and left my room and be alone for the whole night, I prayed to God that He alone can help me get through this.  I still want to be with my family, I still need to do a lot of things.  I need to be strong.

April 1, 2021

They finally call my husband to process the admission form.  They transferred me that night at past 9:00PM to a private room in the Covid floor (entire 4^th floor is a Covid ward), they said they had to sanitize the whole room for 4 hours before it can be use by another patient.  I bid goodbye to my husband (meters apart) while they are whisking me away thru a wheelchair attached with a portable oxygen.  He still settling some cash payment for the Remdesiver they will use that night.  I can see the sadness in his eyes, while I worry that he may have the Covid virus too because he’s with me in the car and while doing some paper works. I signal that I will call him while we wave each other goodbye.  He might have a problem going home because the curfew is up at 10:00PM- 04:00AM.

We made it to our room. They asked me if I can transfer to the bed on my own.  I told them they can just hold me just in case.  The oxygen Is connected through the wall.  It will be my companion for the rest of my stay.  Within the hour, they injected 2 Remdesiver vial (anti-viral medication) through my IV.  It felt surreal.  It happened so fast that in a matter of hours I was there in a hospital room being treated with severe Covid infection.  How can this happen? 

But I focus on some more medicines they are injecting through my IV.  I asked one time and the nurse said it’s a steroid.  My mind is so clear that time.  I take notice of my room.  I changed my clothes and wear the hospital gown instead, it will be easier for everyone since I’m expecting a lot of poking, blood works and checking of stats. They also gave me some basic toiletries, my own digital body temperature and oximeter unit. 

After giving some updates to my family, colleagues and my husband being at home and wishing me well, I lie down thinking am I too sick to be here?  Or am I being strong just like always.  My cough still bothers me and suddenly my fever is back to normal.  My day 1 happens with a series of medicine being administered to me as scheduled. The anti-coagulant injection (underside of my right arm) hurts the most. The nurse knows, he reminds me that it will hurt. I should take Vitamin C with Zinc 2x a day, cough powder solution and others, orally.  I am now fully dependent on the oxygen. 

I prayed to God to help me made through this.  I suddenly feel alone… and sick.

March 31, 2021 

I got a message from our company nurse that I need to do the RT-PCR swab right away.  I have the symptoms and the irony is, there are 2 people in our office area that is confirmed positive. I started to freak out, I kept saying to myself that if I’m thinking I can get over this, the news squashed all my hopes away.  This must be COVID.

But even before the message, I silently packed my bag because we are now looking for a hospital to check on me.  At least to evaluate on my symptoms and do the swab.  My niece sent me an oximeter thru Grab rider and it though at my first test, my oxygen saturation is 93, it didn’t take much time before it becomes 87.  I asked for my boss help if she knows someone who can help me. We called at least 10 hospitals nearby and they all said they are fully occupied from all the onslaught of COVID positive patients.

Our company nurse called me If I wanted to go to the hospital near our office site in the south and she will talk to the representative since we have a tie up contract on this hospital. I even ask for an ambulance since the car is not yet available that time but one, hospital ambulance is not available, two, the lifeline ambulance service I called is charging me Php20,000 ($400) if I am a member and Php30,000 ($600) for non-members (of course, I’m not a member!) and with the conditions -  if the hospital knew I was going there, they need the name of the doctor so they would call ahead if they knew me and will accept me.  Tsk, my oxygen level may have drop to 50 from that process alone.

My eldest sister come and rescue me from my dilemma.  She gave the car keys to my husband and we drove to the hospital with the windows open, and me at the back silently dry coughing and wishing this is not COVID.

We reached the hospital at 1:00PM. I was interviewed outside of the emergency room,  two nurses, they asked questions while checking my vitals - who’s my contact in that hospital, If I’m there for the swabbing only, etc.  They got my BP - normal but I saw in their eyes something like a knowing look when they got to see my oxygen saturation, I saw 84.  But you know, I’m quite a tough person.  You wouldn’t see me feeling helpless and out of breath or looking sick.  So maybe they think, I wouldn’t need to be admitted.  But I told them I got to be admitted, that’s why I’m there.

I was whisk to an isolation room to further check my stats.  But they already placed an oxygen mask around my face.  They told me the schedule of RT PCR swabbing is 4:00PM.  They would not let me admit because I look good, I can still talk and just sitting there in the room instead of helplessly lying down.  Or maybe, If I'm positive, it's only mild or moderate,  I can stay and wait at home.  I fill up some hospital forms.  Our company nurse is having arguments from the hospital representative because I’m number 38 from the waiting list of those COVID patients waiting to be admitted.  Our nurse said how can they be sure that I will be admitted on the next hospital that they want me to go? They will provide the recommendations they said.  Our nurse said, NO, you should check the patient first. I even confirm to the nurse I will pay for any room available in ER; nurse said the isolation room without the bathroom cost Php6,000 per day.  I said, okay, just to let them check me.  I know they are exhausted, but this female nurse is somewhat annoying, as if it is my fault that I am there.  That I wanted to be there.  She even told me I shouldn’t wait on the symptoms to get worse before getting a swab test.  I told her, you don’t know that (the feeling) and just ignored her.

Then, they wheeled down a portable x-ray machine. After a while, an ER doctor came, we already talked a while ago about giving me recommendation to go to another hospital.  She told me the x-ray result is out, I had pneumonia.  I asked her how was it? She answered, it’s severe.

March 30, 2021

I know there’s something wrong with me the moment I felt it.  I had to isolate myself in our main room with a separate restroom. It’s the proper way when you have 1 or more symptoms to protect your love ones.  I have 2 kids with a husband and mother in-law both with comorbidities.  My youngest daughter sleep with us (husband).  But the moment I felt there’s something brewing up to my body I told my husband to sleep in the other room.

And that saves them from having the virus.

I had a teleconsultation with a doctor thru our MHO card stating all my symptoms.  She doesn’t advise to have a swab test right away because just 2 days that I have symptoms.  And honestly, if she did advice, I don’t know how to do it without cashing out my own money through home service (quite expensive) or how can I go out and request for a swab test while inhibiting symptoms.  She gave me tons of medicines, antibiotics as well so as the stop or prevent my “fever and cough” to progress. 

With the news of Metro Manila hospitals (private and public) being overwhelmed because of the new surge in COVID infections, for the first time in my life, I felt scared.  Deep down inside I pray that I, oh God, this is not COVID.  Please make this just an ordinary flu, I will get better.

But I did not. My cough worsens. My fever spiked up to 39°C, then goes down because I take a paracetamol and then back to 38°C above after few hours. I am hoping the antibiotics will help.  But when you know your body well, you will know that none of it helps you get better.  I inform our HR that I have a fever and cough and though they wish too that it’s just a common flu, they advised me to have the RT-PCR.  I informed my immediate boss on my situation and they too were sympathetic and wish me well.

And then I started to have a diarrhea. And noting all the possible symptoms of Covid infections.  I had to tick having LBM on the lists of symptoms.  I take an anti-diarrhea tablets because my body can’t take another trip to the CR when I barely eat. I started to lose my sense of taste and all foods given to me started to taste like it was horribly cooked. But my sense of smell is still good. So, I had to hang on to any hopes that it’s just a flu and I can make it. I noticed that my fever was consistently high and even the paracetamol can’t handle it anymore.

And boy, how I was wrong. That night, I barely sleep to no sleep at all.  I cough that hard like there’s no tomorrow and I feel there’s this bitter liquid coming out from my mouth when I cough and I thought that is from my gut or from my lungs because that’s how hard I cough, a dry and long cough that tears are forming from my eyes and when I close my eyes, different kind of dreams filled my brains that instantly, so I spent my time sitting on a chair and let the night passes while wide awake.

I had a COVID 19 infection last March 31, 2021.  At first, I had a slight fever merely days before and I thought, it can’t be COVID.  I take necessary precautions while at work or going out for a grocery shopping, I almost stay at home because that our company mandated for the support group.  I only went to work once or twice weekly and when its necessary.  I wear mask, face shield, carry tons of alcohol with me and practiced social distancing.  And most of all, I have no comorbidities, but I still get it.  So, can you blame me if I had to deny at first that it was COVID 19?  Nah, most of us would think that it’s just a common flu.

I want to share the experience so we can be all aware how dangerous this virus is.  I survived not being infected last year when its new and we also must transfer items to an external warehouse near my place as not to disrupt our business.  I must face new sets of people, settle to a shuttle services, as public transportation was not allowed, and I didn’t catch the virus.

Why now? Why me?

My next blogs would be my trip to memory lane when I am battling this deadly virus out of my system and while I’m still in the hospital.  Yes, I was admitted in a hospital for 15 days.  And will tell you some stories of courage, faith, beliefs, will, prayers, support and love. 

I have so many things to say on my blog but here I am, struggling for words.  

God knows what I am feeling right now and so this is my earnest prayer to our Almighty God.

Lord, strengthen me so I won’t decide hastily that I will regret later.

I know You know that this is about my work.  You know how I feel that day and till now, I am struggling to cope up with that.

Help me feel renewed again so I can forget and move on. 

Lord, hear our prayers, so that my loving better half will soon have a job that will help us secure the future of our two kids.

Lord, You know I am not asking for too much.  

With what is happening in this world and the pandemic we are facing right now.

You know the doubts we have in our heart.

But I know Lord that You are always and forever with us, O Lord.  

That You will never let us feel alone, sad and wondering if we can still make it another day.

Help me to think straight and cast the burdens upon You. 

I’m tired but I know You will carry my heavy loads.

Lead me Lord, for myself, for my family and for mankind.

That we will live according to Your greatest plan for us.              

To God be the glory!

You know, I always say my prayer silently.  It really feels good to read it like this.  During the hardest times of my life, trauma seeps in.  But I prayed to God to give me another chance. And He gave it to me.  So, whatever will happen next, I know that is part of God’s plan for me.  Thank you, Lord.  I will always be thankful to you no matter what. Amen.

" One day, I might not able to run anymore, but that day, is not today"

I cried because my emotions are overflowing I can’t even breath.  I’m overly sensitive these days. But when someone think you are not giving your best and the mistakes from the past was being rubbed to your wounded heart, I think crying is the best way to let it flow.

Who wants to feel that you don’t belong? I don’t want to hear someone says I am not doing my job.  It hurts the hell out of me.  I think not only that it was a slap to my bleeding heart, but it’s against what I believe in.   

But then again, I deserve it.  I have those moments before that I know will hunt me because I came from the other team.  And sometimes, commands responsibility sucks.  So, after I let it out, a colleague reminds me that maybe it happens because I need to step up, and I need to show what I am capable of.  I know I must think that it was just a challenge and forget the negative vibes.  And the moment that I seize it, I will show them I deserve to be on this team. 

So, cheer up, myself 😊 I already cry it out (well, silently) and then it’s time to let it go.

I’ve read someone that everyone must choose one of two pains: The Pain of Discipline and the Pain of Regret

What would you choose?

Anyways, my big birth day is tomorrow.  I deserve to be happy at least once a year 😊

I know I shouldn’t apologize on why it takes more than two years to finally post a story on my blog.  I’ve been busy, emotionally, physical, financially and emotionally.  God is my only way how to deal with life’s hardships, challenges, pressures and stress.  My kids are my inspirations to stand up and take the plunge.

Working in fast-moving operations is a no-easy task. It drains you out, it bleeds you, it will suffocate you. But you know me, I live for this.  You can put me in a forest pull of hyenas and within days I will either tame the hyenas or I am a hyena myself. 😊

I had a chance to change my course, to change my life for a better me. To correct the path I want to walk through. I just wish they will gave me the chance to show what I am capable off.  That they will trust me as I trust them with full honesty.  I never ask for recognition on anything good or even great job that I accomplished.  Knowing they liked me and they needed me, I am satisfied with that.

I might have more time to post.  This COVID 19 virus suddenly stops the world and freeze mankind and forced each and everyone of human and pets to stay at home.  Only God knows how it will end.  I’m giving it all to God.  But for now, stay at home please.  And for everyone to keep safe. Let’s  wash our hand. 😊